Monday, February 09, 2009

The Captain Teaches a Lesson in Love

Junior, deputy, aspiring, official and otherwise economists allow me to teach you the art of love.

The time rapidly approaches where American men show their beloveds their appreciation and passion for them. Where we don our dashing suits, pointlessly purchase plants that will die 4 days later, acquire the finest chocolates with the most powerful aphrodisiacs, and, yes, perhaps even bathe. Yes, Valentines Day is approaching and no doubt all you economists out there are preparing something great and grand for your beloved.

However, why do the traditional, same ole, same ole when you can make this Valentine’s Day special?

And I don’t mean that in a standard Valentine’s Day commercial “make this one special.” I mean that in a sincere,

“Do you really want to blow her socks off, not to mention her clothes” special.

“Do you want her practically pushing all the food off the table at dinner as she leaps across to have her way with you” special.

“Do you want her so stimulated you will not even have to bother going out to dinner because she will not let you out of the door” special?

Then lend me your ears, grab a pencil and start taking notes.

You have several options when it comes to making this Valentine’s Day special and they number 3.

First, what tells your beloved “I love you” more than the most authoritative book on the housing crash and financial crisis; Behind the Housing Crash, by yours truly? Sure flowers are pretty and chocolates are fine, but are they timeless as the economic wisdom you could share while cuddled up next to the fire on a cold February 14th as you read “Behind the Housing Crash. Oh sure, she’ll be so enraptured with chapters such as “The Economic Chessboard is Set” and “My Ex-Girlfriend Was Subprime” that you’ll be forced to take breaks from the reading, but isn’t what was books on economics are for? To sexually arouse people?

Second, women love a man. A real man. Not some feminized, sensitive 90’s pansy man. Not some Anderson Cooper metrosexual. They like a real Sean Connery, Daniel Craig, John Wayne, Captain Jack Sparrow type man. And what, I ask, is more manly than contributing to GDP? You see, real men contribute to GDP, those that don’t are by definition dependent upon others and are by default not REAL men. They’re parasites. They’re losers. They’re welfare bums. But a real man, he contributes. Oh he may not contribute as much as Bill Gates, but as long as he contributes (or at least is part of the labor force), he’s a real man. Remind her of your manliness and buy yourself this girl-getting shirt. Your beloved Captain wears one and by God, I'm always swamped with ladies once they see me wearing that shirt (warning, shirt does not come with the big stick necessary to beat all the girls away with).

And finally, the gift of dance. Remember, dancing is not about you, it's about her. Specifically it's about making her look good on the floor so she can usurp all the attention in the joint, not some kind of fangled story about you two being together and moving together in a romantic way(sorry men, that's really what dancing is all about. Why do you think women want to dance so much?) Regardless, capitulate to her desires and learn to dance. You have two options;

1. If you live in the Minneapolis area you can always sign up for the dance classes the Captain teaches through your local school district or

2. If you don't live in Minnesota, fear not! The Captain has instructional videos AND ACCOMPANYING music that can be mailed to you (besides which, you get to see him with a different girl in each dance video as the a lot of uh "dance partners" in his youth)

For a complete list of dance options click here or if you have any questions click here.


Anonymous said...

"what tells your beloved “I love you” more than[...] Behind the Housing Crash"?

What says "I love you" more?

Buying her a version she can read on her Kindle.

Anonymous said...

All due respect to your writing skills, yet I fear following your recommendation would lead to my own publication - "Behind the Relationship Crash"

Captain Capitalism said...

Anon 956

You hurt me, sir!

Then try some dance DVD's. That cannot possibly fail!

Anonymous said...

If the book were on kindle, it would burn out the spelling and grammar checker. :)

Candy is dandy, books are hooks, shirts are flirts, DVDs are easy teasey, but liquor is quicker.